MOT - fit for the journey

So I was thinking and praying and can't get out of my head about writing what I'm about to write.  Probs a bit personal but if it blesses or encourages one person, it's worth it.

So obviously we've been looking at Journeys - particularly Joseph's journey over the last few days.  And I was thinking about my own journey and thinking about where I was at.  (I do think it is right and important at times to give ourselves a spiritual MOT or check over once in a while to make sure we are in good working order for the journey ahead and for God to use us).

SO, where am I at?  Where are you at?  Where am I in the journey of life?  Where are you in the journey of life?  Are we sprinting forward, walking fast, slowing down, speeeding up, crawling, at a stand still, on the side-lines looking in, being carried, walking backwards, facing the opposite direction, having a nice cool off on the side....?  I actually think there are seasons and periods when we face all of these positions.  Let me share some more of my journey...

So at the moment I'm kinda running quite fast in my journey.  I'm in a season of intense blessing and I feel I'm running the journey with enthusiasm. It's almost like I've reached a mountain top and am running on a plateau in awe at the view and raring to see more.  (I guess when we are in seasons like this it is important we don't take too long to look at the view and lose our passion and pace.)  But at the same time, I'm unsure as to what is around the corner.  Where am I actually headed?  Where is the path leading?   

Yet, my journey has not always been like this.  Infact a lot of my lifetime has been spent in seasons of drought, of dessert and of valleys.  During my teenage years I particularly experienced a season of very high highs and very low lows.  I'd reach the top of one mountain only to find myself plummetting down at record speed to the bottom of a deep valley.  I remember days, months and even years at a time battling with severe depression - a kind that prevented me from even walking without my legs aching, a kind that led to self destruction and a self esteem that was so low I never thought I would learn to love myself.  In fact I was so low and had such a dislike for myself that most of my latter teenage years were spent with my mirrors covered in towels so I didn't have to see my reflection, and make up that was so thick and black that it hid my true self. I felt so chained up and like there was no way out.  Praise God that He reached His loving arm down into my deep pit and rescued me.  Now I often stick Bible verses to my mirror and rejoice that I am me!

' Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save' Isaiah 59v1
 'If I make my bed in the depths, you are there' Psalm 139v8

There have been other seasons where I have been so angry and frustrated about life and my lot.  I've experienced and been through things that no one should ever have to face.  I've been so caught up in sin that I was completely lost - even turning around and walking backwards.  I have been so far from feeling the freedom that Christ offers that I have cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions and written pages and pages of painful poetry which has enabled me to pour my inmost feelings out. And yet a lot of this was brought on by things that weren't even my fault that I had no control over.  I was literally rolling around on the path of life, doubled over with inner turmoil and pain, and wailing to a God I thought didn't hear me.  Yet God's grace was enough.  His grace was sufficient. His power was made perfect in my weakness, (2 corinthians 12v9).

Again there have been other seasons of intense blessing.  In my gap year I was priviledged to work with the Message Trust in Manchester for 5 months on their gap year programme and then spent 2 years doing their Eden project.  I worked alongside the World Wide Message Tribe, the Band With No Name, Andy Hawthorn and so on, we saw kids being saved on a daily basis, God was filling me daily through His Word and through the teaching I was receiving.  It really was a time of major growth and spiritual maturity.  Yet even though there were these seasons of spiritual highs, there came with it almost a sense of invincibility.  I had to work through a lot also.  I thought I had made it seeing as I was now working with such reknown people.  I also battled with legalism and was actually so chained up in the legality of my faith and ticking all of the boxes that I often felt like a failure and definitely felt unfulfilled.

Then there have been times where I just have no idea what's going on.  A bit like the last few years really.  I mean I've never really discovered the real reason I'm in Watford.  I sense there is something huge on the horizon but I have no idea what.  But instead of becoming apathetic and withdrawn, I keep pressing onward, keep walking forward, keep striving towards the finish line and keep my head up, whilst trying to obey God and follow His leading.  Sometimes we have to go through seasons of walking blindfolded when we have no idea of where we are going.  And to be honest, even during this season, the most amazing things have happened.  I've gained freedom in so many areas I never thought I would.  I've gained wisdom and patience, understanding and insight like I never knew before.  I've learnt perseverance.  I've learnt about being all things to all men.  And it's wonderful.

In 2003 a man I didn't know prophesied over me saying that I was like an acorn turning into an oak tree.  Not long after this, another two people prophesied over me saying I was like a caterpillar turning into a beautiful butterfly (hence my writer's and artist's pseudonym Caroline Papillon - aka butterfly in French).  Just on Sunday Tim Roberts had a picture of an oak tree with its branches reaching far and wide and bearing fruit right to the ends.  How good is God.  And how cool that the original prophecy is being fulfilled!   Although my journey has been long and arduous in parts - God has been there all along.  Although there have been many difficult processes that I've had to work through - I have worked through them through the grace of God and grown into a strong oak and a beautiful butterfly.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not boasting or bigging myself up, neither have I 'made it' - no - these are just illustrations of how amazing God is, and how He is true to His word.  No matter how dark or deep or painful your journey may be right now, keep holding on to God.  He will carry you when you need carrying.  He will encourage you when you need encouraging.  He will hold you when you need holding.  He will run with you when you are running.  He will backtrack to meet you when you are walking in the other direction.  He will run to find you when you are lost. 

Sometimes there are highs, sometimes there are lows.  Sometimes there are hurdles, sometimes there are battles but God is with you all along.  Mountain top experiences are awesome, but nothing grows on mountain tops because the air is so thin.  Sometimes we need to be taken to the valley because it is where things grow.  Desserts can seem barren and dry, but it is often where God takes us in order to whisper to us in a place which is away from the hustle and bustle of life.  Drought is a horrible thing, but isn't it in drought that we seek the water more intently and intensely?

So where am I headed?  To be honest I don't know exactly.  But I know there is more because God hasn't finished with me yet.  What about you?  Where are you headed?  Perhaps you don't know either but keep hoping, keep dreaming, keep believing, keep walking with God.  'Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith' Hebrews 12v1-2.  For surely 'he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion' Philippians 1v6.

God bless you all - don't give up - there is so much MORE to come!!!!!!!!!